Category: Parent Talk
*If this post is better suited for Writer's Block, since it's an essay, please feel free to put it there.*
There are many boards on here about parenting. Some express the joy of just having a baby, others ask what to do as baby gets older and still others ask if the author/s should even have a baby. I've thought about it many times in my life, what it would be like to have one, not so much the physical aspect of it, but just having one around. Usually, the child in my mind is already talking and can learn things and the few times when he/she (I'd prefer a boy) isn't are fleeting. I think of how I could teach him/her values, things about Hellenic Polytheism, patriotism, our history, our language etc. I think of how it would feel when he/she would joine the military and how proud I would be. But then I realise that there's that whole stage where they can't talk, walk or do anything. Then, there's the fact of caring for the child for 18 years and of still bailing him/her out of trouble when he/she gets older. It's a huge responsibility to have a child. You can't simply say "no, I don't want this baby now. I'll just send it back." You can't go out with your friends whenever you'd like, sleep whenever you'd like, have sex whenever you'd like etc because the baby might need you. Your whole life is for that child until he/she is old enough to start taking care of him/herself, and even then, you only get a bit of freedom until he/she leaves home for good. . If you do it properly, then you have to make sure that you're in a stable relationship with someone who also wants a child, have enough money so that the child won't starve or have to do without, have one partner make enough or have a work at home job so that at least one parent can stay home with the child until he/she is at least five-years-old, and most importantly, be ready to give everything of yourself, all the time, no matter how crappy you may feel. You also need to be willing to put a career aside, even a successful one, if it would interfeer with your family, unless, of course, you're involved in something majorly patriotic that must come first. I'm completely ready to give of myself for my country, but I'm not ready to have a baby and don't know if I ever will be. I'd much rather get a puppy or kitten. Yes, they involve much of the same type of committment, but for some reason, I'd be willing and able to take care of one emotionally. But I'm not ready financially, which is why I still haven't adopted one.
I know that there are many women today who choose not to have children, and even if there weren't, what society does is of no concern to me. I've heard many child free people say that they hate children and then launch into complaints about the "screaming, whining, disrespectful little brats". But I don't feel that way at all. I'm very protective of children and I don't mind being an aunt and taking on the responsibilities of that position. I just can't commit to something as life-altering as having a child of my own. Then, I think of one of the main reasons why I would do it in the first place, which is so that I could produce the next Greek man or woman who would be able to serve our country. I'd encourage her to join the Hellenic armed forces if she was a woman (for men it's mandatory) and thereby serve vicariously. I'd want him/her to be strong and looked upon as a full citizen because he/she would be born in Greece and I didn't have that luxury. But when I mentioned this to Mom, a horrible thought crossed my mind, one which usually brings comfort. Greece is not a citizenship by birth country! So that means that unless I married my child's father, who would also need to be a Greek citizen, my child wouldn't be able to have that privelage even if born there! Marrying isn't the problem, since I would love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him so that we could raise our family together, and I should hope I'd marry a citizen of Greece. But I'm not sure if a civil or nonChristian marriage would be considered for my child to attain citizenship. Of course, I could always adopt a child of pure Greek blood who was already a citizen but that could lead to a whole other set of problems, since I'm not sure how kindly the authorities would take to an adoption where one parent is blind and I'd then need to decide, as I would if I had the child myself, in which country he/she should be brought up. Furthermore, I wouldn't be able to breast feed him/her, so would need to see what other natural options would be available for his/her nurrishment. All of that aside, these other nationalistic concerns would still be in my mind while he/she was growing up. This, of course, wouldn't be fair to the child and wouldn't be the right reasons to have one.
While I was talking with Mom yesterday, another reason sprang to mind. What kind of world would I be giving my child? I was born in 1983, and even though I'm only 26, alot has changed since then. Yes, of course, much of it is for the better. But there are horrible crimes now, more than ever before, that weren't even thought of 20 years ago, things like school shootings, bombings, attacks on random strangers even in white bread suburbs. It gets even worse if we look at the current economy of the world. Who knows what will happen? Perhaps, there will be a war or a serious depression that will cross all international boarders. And if you add Greece in the mix, now we're really talking problems! There are protests, strikes, a lack of respect for authority, an economy that barely exists, corruption and more! So again, into what kind of world would I be bringing this child of mine? Of course, if I honestly wanted one with all my heart and soul, that wouldn't matter. I'd find the positives and cling to them and find ways to give him/her hope for the future. Who knows? He/she might even find a way to fix our nation's problems! But the issue can't be overlooked either.
The final reason why I don't want a baby and I don't care how many people bitch and moan at this, is because of my blindness. Yes, it can be done. But I don't feel comfortable with the idea of me being alone with an infant or todler who could get into things and get hurt, wander off, go into a car with a stranger, eat/drink something bad that could poison and/or choke him/her or even be wet and not be changed immediately, all because I can't see what's happening. I don't care how many success stories there are out there. I'd want a sighted person with me when caring for him/her in certain cases, especially during the exploring stage when the child isn't in his/her crib/play pen. I couldn't live with myself if something horrible happened to the child while I was right there. When I expressed these views to Mom, she said that this is why, if I were going to have a child, she'd want me to do it relatively soon, so that she could help care for it. But I don't want to be a single parent and finding the right father isn't just about insuring that his heritage and medical history is satisfactory. I' need to truly love the man and he'd need to love me and we'd need to be willing to settle down with each other and with no one else. That in itself is a huge committment, and right now, I'm already with a man who has had enough children, whom I adore, and I don't plan on leaving any time soon.
Mom listened to all of this and ultimately agreed with me. She said my reasons were very logical and well-thought-out. So now I'm wondering. How many of you are like me in that you're not ready, and are not sure you ever will be, to have a child? How many have decided absolutely that this is not the life for you? Do you feel that society expects you to have children? If you're a man and are reading this, do you feel that the pressure is not only on women as mothers but on men to become fathers as well? As a sidenote, I am on a low-dose birth control pill to avoid accidents.
I wasn't going to post here, but here are my thoughts/thought anyways because apparently I have no life. lol :)
Okay, I will start off by saying that I think your fears about being a blind parent is taking over you. Yes, I'll be afraid myself, but you'll never know what it's like if you don't ever do it. You having a baby as a blind parent might not be as bad as you think. And about this world problem, I'm running to Europe myself so...
But there's nothing wrong with not having children at all. I'm thinking about staying childless myself because like you mentioned I don't want the tied downness... Anyways, I'm leaving now...
I would love to hear any future thoughts you have on this. I bet they would be very interesting.
It works for some people to remain childless, it's a chosen life style and road. There is no problem with that. Some people choose to have kids, some don't. I, however, have a little girl, and wish to have more kids some day, but for now, I'm not ready to make that plunge. I love my little girl with all of my heart, but I need to see where this road leads first, so I can kinda relate.
My name is little foot and I am perfectearly fine having a child. I have a child of my own and yes it is not easy all of the time but it could be done. You do not have to see inorder to be a blind mother or father in this world. I know that there will be some chalanges later on it might be hard but I know that I could manage it. I thought I would share my comints.
As far as me writing future plans out, I haven't thought that far ahead yet. I'm currently thinking about modeling and other stuff other than worrying about babies. Another thing is I don't have a bf so babies are definitely not going to happen and I might just keep it this way.
I respect you for knowing you don't want children, but I'm sorry to hear you're allowing your fear of being a blind parent control you. that's the same thing I thought when I saw this on your lj. you said in another topic that some blind people refused to accept challenges, and you're doing that very thing now, in my opinion. coming from someone who has mild cerebral palsy as well as blindness, I'll say this: you really have nothing to bitch about. you're very fortunate, and I hope, one day, you'll see life in a more positive light.
I'm the type of person that doesn't let anything stop her; even if I have to modify the way I do things, there's always a way to get them done.
I have a four year old. I respect both the choice to parent and the choice not to parent. Now unlike some childfree, I don't get the hassle of "Why no kids"? But "Why just one?" "Are you REALLY going to let her go through life without a brother or sister?" I have a sibling, and he lives way out in Wyoming, we rarely even call each other.
I feel it's none of my business and respect the choice not to parent more than I respect the choice to parent for a selfish reason, like someone to love me, to feel like one fits in with parenting friends, wanting to spend the day in the mall pushing a baby in a stroller, or force a marriage or financial settlement. If parenting is done with logical, sound reasoning, two people genuinely wanting to nurture a child to adulthood, not just wanting the cute little baby but wanting to nurture through all stages, and they have adequate resources and time on their hands without having to resort to a three job marriage or taxpayer sponsored benefits, I say God bless 'em. There are some women who don't want to be parents for what sound like stupid reasons, like they're afraid they'll lose their figure, but if that's what's more important to 'em, they probably shouldn't be parents. How do they explain all of the normal weight moms out there, myself included? If running around after a very young child isn't exercise, I'm not sure what is.
Medical problems and physical limitations are good considerations to make. If you're not sure you could handle especially a baby or toddler with your degree of blindness, that's a very logical consideration. I was diagnosed with asthma after four consecutive months of being unable to clear any upper respiratory infections, which started with the flu. I take daily preventives, and the warning on the box advises the company isn't sure if these meds can lead to birth defects in the unborn. I'll be 43 in December, and while most Downs' Syndrome babies are born to mothers with no risk factors, my risk is elevated and that's something to consider. I know a family with an older Downs child, and the younger doesn't have that problem, and without a doubt the older child receives more attention. I would feel guilty if I took a good relationship with my daughter and had to sacrifice much of it to parent a child I had doubts about bringing into the world into the first place bcoz of the Downs risk.
I have infinitely more respect for people who at least sit down and think about whether or not they want to become parents and then decide "No", than for those who have one baby after another because they feel that's something married people are supposed to do, or their religion told 'em to do it, or they just never considered whether or not that was something they really wanted to committ to in life, and parenting really is a 24/7 committment. Much as I love Mimi, I also love on the weekend when she falls asleep for the night so I can catch up on my reading or knitting. I know a divorced woman whose mom is the epitome of trash and, strangely enough, her father, the religious scholar, is really the more mellow of the two, so most likely mom was pushing marriage right out of high school. This woman married a gambler and is now divorced with three kids. Mom got to babysit grandkids while this lady went back to college on a Women In Transition grant. I admire you for at least giving it some thought and intelligently stating your reasons against.
To Miss Devious: *smile* I didn't mean writing out your future plans. I meant your thoughts on the subject. It sounded like you had some interesting things to say but as if you had to leave in a hurry to go somewhere. To fighter of love and life: While blindness certainly is part of it, it's not the only reason. If I were in a stable relationship with a man who also wanted a child and I felt the same, I'm sure we'd be able to work it out. It's just another problem/challenge added to the list of explanations as to why I don't want one. To spongebob: I don't get that nonsense of "why just one" either. There are advantages and disadvantages of both an only child and two or three children but there's nothing wrong with having just one, especially if that's all you as a parent can handle emotionally and financially. As I said, I feel that if I were to become a mother, it would be partly a selfish, actually more nationalistic, reason, and that wouldn't be fair to the child. I certainly don't think it's a good thing when parents have to work three jobs to support their family, nor do I like abuse of benefits. But if it means that one parent must take a lower paying job but can still be home with the child and receive them, I'd much rather that than the parent hardly seeing the child because he/she is constantly working. Thank you so so much for agreeing with me on the blindness! It seems we're in the minority when it comes to understanding this. Thankfully, my blindness isn't genetic or I'd not only consider not having children but it would be an absolute fact of life. I refuse to give birth to a child with a severe handicap. Normally, I don't consider blindness to be in that category, but I personally wouldn't want to put my child through that just for the selfish reason of wanting to keep him/her. There are enough problems in the world and I couldn't imagine going through with having a baby if the odds were really high that he/she would be born blind. If I wanted one that badly and were in that situation, I'd adopt. That said, if I had to choose, I'd certainly let a blind, deaf or mildly crippled child be born over a severely retarded or otherwise mentally unhealthy one who could never care for him/herself or understand basic things. That's not fair to the child, to the parents or to the state. I have absolutely no respect for people, in this day and age, who feel that it's a necessary to have a littler of children, as if they're dogs or cats. Foster parents who take in multiple children are totally different and I admire them, so long as they can honestly handle it.
I can't agree with the nationalistic reasons, seeing as you are not even a Greek citizen, and the survival of Greece, or any country for that matter, is not going to be the size and manpower of their armies, wealth of intelligence, alliances and political smartness is what is required, because there are huge countries with superior firepower no matter what the smaller countries cunjer up.
The rest of the reasons are perfectly valid, I think. I am married to a sighted girl and we have two kids. I watch them a lot during the days and I am extremely glad there is a sighed parent who can get diapers, drive, go to the mall with them etc. It is very hard to be blind with a 4 or 5 year old at the mall and you practically have to tie them to you to be sure, because they can tae a second to run away and you have no chance of finding them without sighted help, even with sighted help it can get tricky. As a blind prent, the only way to check what your baby is doing when he/she is silent is to interupt, a sighted person can go peak without interupting the child, which means sighted parenting can be a lot easier. Blind parents have sighted kidsa nd have to teach them about colors, letters, pictures and the vibrant world around them and I am glad I do not have to deal with that aspect.
I am not saying it cannot be done, but it takes a lot of commitment and I have serious doubts you can be blind with a young kid and a career and no help i.e. you would have to pretty much give up on your career for 5 or 6 years while the kid is being brought up.
I do not think kids should stay home much after age 2 though, gradually get them used to group and other kids in a day care or stay-at-home daycare provider environments. You get breaks, your kids have fun and they learn a lot, not least of all, to get along and play with other kids their age, but day care, eespecially in the U.S. is so expensive it would cost you more to care for your child than your wages at an average office job, ($15000 a year, minimum, not counting transportation, medical expenses and so on just the day care part, I bet you close to $25000 a year and as say, an admin assistent you are likely to make 28 or 29000).
We have had to take turns putting our careers and good jobs, on the rocks now for 3 or 4 years because we want, and need, to spend time with our boys while they are little. It can be frustrating, being in your 30s, having had a pretty prestegious and good jobs, but being back to student days and penny pinching, not to mention the cost of day care, shots, medical insurance etc.
I do not regret it, but I can also easily see a different lifestyle that would suit many people better without kids, or by adapting a kid later on when they are very well set up financially careerwise and really want to raise a child. Adopting a kid is expensive though, I believe around $30000 just for the process itself. At least this is true with kids from abroad, my co worker went through the process.
This is a 24/7 commitment, especially raising kids with no family nearby, going out is almost out of the question since you have to add, at least, 4 hours of baby sitting at $15 an hour to any outing, so a trip to the movies will cost close to $100, dinner close to $150 and so on. And the hardest part about being a parent is the complete lack of vacation or sick days, and I can well understand people who do not want that, and would urge people who are not sure that they absolutely want babies, not to have them.
There is also the global problem of over population, that will kill off humanity as a speecies, the planet can't take 20 billion people, there is insufficient land, food and resources to sustain them, so it seems awfully irresponsible and selfish to have a lot of kids, in my mind.
I think for many couple they feel the need to declare their love, to merge and to create a genetic legacy, I know that's what we felt was the right thing, and we are still extremely glad we did, we might even have a third kid some time when we are more settled with our careers, though definitely not more than 3. But I fully recognize the challenges and choices and I sincerely do not think people who do not absolutely feel this way, should do it.
My birth and lack of Hellenic citizenship are not my fault. That said, it is my ultimate dream to one day move there, to attain citizenship and to serve my country in some capacity, no matter how small. Military rule can be a fine thing, providing that the nation truly needs it and if done properly. This was demonstrated in The Revolution of 1967-74. From 1967 to 1973, during the rule of Mr. Georgios Papadopoulos, the economy boomed, tourism was up, construction was up, there was high employment,, roads, schools, hospitals and houses were built and electricity and plumbing were brought to places that, despite the time, still didn't have them. The trick is to have a ruler who's not a meglomaniac and who puts the country first. Of course, 1973 brought with it the insanity of Dimitrios Ioannidis, the destruction of Cyprus and the fall of The Revolution, hence the other side of power. My goal in teaching my child patriotism would not be so that he/she could fight with other countries or conquer them, but rather, so that he/she could help save our's or at least have a sense of identity that so many young people across Greece are lacking.
Anyway, Thanks for pointing out why it would be difficult to raise a child as a blind parent. I've always wanted to answer this question when asked, but of course, since I'm not a parent, I couldn't give adequate reasons. I hardly ever go to the mall, so that one wouldn't be an issue. I'd also probably buy some kind of natural diapers, and most likely, those would be online. But of course, grocery shopping would be next to impossible, even if I went with Mom or someone, because they'd need to tell me what's in the store and help me watch the baby. I never even thought of the problems of checking on a baby and interrupting. Wow. Same goes with colours, though I have thought that this is why I couldn't teach the blind, because I'd also be expected to be able to teach low-vision students. Not having seen, I have no concept of colours, pictures and other visual things. I'd have issues with leaving my child in the hands of strangers, even well-trained ones, especially at such a young age. But I would definitely take him/her to the park, again, with sighted assistance, until he/she was old enough to be trusted to stay by me and to know the rules. Considering that I'd want my child to go to only naturopathic physicians (unless we're talking operations or serious medical emergencies), and that these aren't covered either under child or adult insurance, yeah. It would be very! expensive. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do in my life, so don't even have a career yet. I would hate to start one and then to have to stop. I commend both of you for caring so much about your children that you sacrificed everything for them. It's truly sad that it had to be done but you demonstrate perfectly how good parents should be. Assuming that I were to stay here and adopt and couldn't get a child from Greece, I'd probably try to find one here. I honestly don't understand why so many people have to adopt children from abroad when there are so many without love and good homes here! Babysitting would absolutely be out of the question and finances wouldn't even be in my mind. I absolutely refuse to leave my child with a stranger one-on-one and especially one who's not trained. If anything, he'she would stay with my immediate family or with a very trusted friend. I myself was never left in the hands of a babysitter. lol Why on Earth would dinner cost $150 for just two people? Goodness! I completely agree with you on the overpopulation problem. I used to say that, if anything, I'd adopt.
Hi, all. Eleni, unless I have totally overlooked something in your posts, I don't think you're letting your fear of being a blind parent control you. Blindness was the last of the reasons you mentioned for wanting to stay child free, and I agree with many of the ones you listed before that. Second, you're not saying blind people can't be successful parents. You realize they can, they are, and will continue to be. If I'm reading you right, you're just saying that you personally are not comfortable with it, and if that's the case, it is better that you recognize that, and act accordingly. If you were making a blanket statement that blind people cannot or should not be parents, then I'd have to seriously disagree, but I don't think that's it.
I, too, have chosen to remain child free, and though my biological clock sometimes complains about this, my heart and my head know it's the right choice. I had bilatteral retino blastoma when I was a baby, and have been told by numerous doctors that I have a 50/50 shot of passing that on to any child I'd have. It is not the idea of having a blind child that scares me. After all, who better to raise a blind child than a blind parent who understand so much of what they are dealing with? In my case, it is the idea of giving a child cancer. I don't think I could watch my child go through treatments and go, "Oh, I knew that could happen to you." Worse, what if I lost the baby to it? I think the guilt would kill me! For that reason, I chose to have my tubes tied at age 22, deciding that if I ever did want children, me and the man I chose to have them with could adopt.
However, as I've grown older, there are many other reasons I do not want children. I am far too high on temper, and too low on patience. I am protective of children, but I know myself well enough to know that I could actually do the thing I abhor most, and hurt the child I brought into the world. No, thank you. And, as you also said, Eleni, I love my liberty too much to become a parent. That sounds selfish, I know, but my view is this. It is better I recgonize these personality traits, and these things about myself and not have a child. It would be far more selfish to deny these things, and to have a baby because society expects me to, and then to make a lousy parent. It seems as if way too many people think that a baby will solve all their problems, and don't examine themselves and their readiness to be a parent before they jump into it. My sister is one of these, and now her children are suffering as a result.
OK, rant over. All that to say that I hear you, Eleni, and totally back you on this. Don't ever let anyone call you selfish for choosing to remain child free.
Eleni, Your reasons are totally valid and I, having two children can totally tell you that your last reason is especially valid. I chose to only have two children because my husband and I are not financially or emotionally capable of handling anymore than two kids...and believe it or not, I get questioned for not popping out a litter like a damn rabbit!:( I love my children TO DEATH, I would kill for them, die for them, all that mushy gushy stuff, but I regret "jumping in" to the decision. I trust that God had His hand in our "plans" but my first was an on-the-Pill baby, and I was in college, living on my own as an adult; I could drink a little, party, stay up till 3AM, wake up at 3PM, have sex ANYTIME I wanted, and there were NO interruptions. I was barely learning how to handle being myself and enjoying married life as independent, spontaneous married people can. I am still learning how to balance and juggle and deal with my situation and my husband and I, who are both blind and me having mild CP, both feel that with my physical limitations, our current financial situation and our temperaments, feel that two is plenty for us. I will also tell you that being both blind parents ourselves, it is hard and you can literally spend the day refereeing and chasing two very active toddlers and not get a damn thing done and that includes housework, dinner, school work, my business (which is on hold till I can find a preschool for my almost three-year-old son.) It takes both of us just to survive the day to day and there are days I think, "God, I can't handle this. Why?" But I also know that obviously I'm meant to do this, or I wouldn't have had the desire in the first place. I think that the fact that you carefully thought this decision through is intelegent and wise and I wish more people took the time to do that instead of leaping with both feet. I wish you luck in all you do.
I have reasons for not wanting a child, but being blind isn't among
2. Europe is different to australia, and there's a lot more emphasis on putting disabled children into special schools, which I disagree with intensely. If I had a child, I would want it to be mainstreem taught like myself. I don't want it to grow up in a world of blindness related school and activity, but in a normal school with sighted children, because the world is sighted. My partner and I have agreed to not have children, though I suspect he would like one, because we are going to live in "Switzerland, and I do not want to bring up a possibly blind child in this country.them, because I feel that my sighted futue husband could make up for what I lack.
However, I don't want a child for the following reasons:
1. Doctors tell me that if I do have a child it will be likely to carry my genetic disorder. I believe, that to knowingly produce a child, when you have a medical problem that has caused you to have more than 150 operations is child abuse and I couldn't live with myself if I did that to my child.
I still say choosing not to have a child cause of blindness is unreasonable. I applaud you for thinking this through, but in my opinion, that shouldn't be a reason for not bringing another life into the world.
There have been some very good things said since my last post here, so I wish to address them.
To SisterDawn: You've read me completely accurately about blindness. I never said that blind people can't be parents. I merely said that I personally feel uncomfortable with the idea of me being one as a blind individual. I not only understand your choice but truly commend you for it. I couldn't imagine giving my child cancer and then having to live with the consequences. As we've said, there's always adoption. There are plenty of unwanted children in the world, and to be honest, I respect parents who adopt children and who love them with all their hearts more than those who simply give birth. My biological mother is the latter and Mom is the former. You've also made a good point about blind children. I wish that there was a support group of blind people there for sighted parents of blind children. Perhaps, there is one. Knowing and accepting the fact that you love your liberty enough to not want to have a child is one of the most selfless thoughts that you could have. Even my mother, who sacrificed everything for me, including a very successful business, said that she never could've done it all if she hadn't had a full life before me. She didn't want children either but she experienced everything else and was ready to take me into her life. That's how it should be. I haven't even started my life yet.
To SunshineAndRain: Wow. How can people seriously be that stupid to question a logical decision like that? You stated perfectly valid reasons of your own as to why you only want two children. "On the pill baby". Thanks for the irrational fear that swept over me just now... lol I wouldn't have one if I got pregnant but still. Seriously, thanks for your comments about actually being blind parents and especially for your compliments on my thoughts. I wish you luck as well. It seems like you have a good head on your shoulders as do several others here.
To SwissGriff: If I had a blind child, I would want him/her to go to a regular school as well, though it's probably not as easy to do that in Greece as in America. Still, it's not totally impossible and I'd fight for it. I'm a bit confused as to why you wouldn't want to bring up a child there. Is it just the schooling or is it the whole culture that has a problem with blindness? As with what SisterDawn said, I agree with you. People should never knowingly pass on their genes if they could cause a disease. Holy fucking shit! 150 operations? You are one tough cookie, that's for sure! Gods bless you.
To fighter of love and life: I think the others here have properly explained and demonstrated why blindness as a parent can cause problems, and as has been said, it's not my only reason. Yet it does exist and is something that must be considered.
Lots of people decide to remain childless for lots of different reasons, and ultimately, that’s none of anyone else’s business, any mre than it’s anyone’s business if you stick at one or go on to have ten children. Ultimately whatever you do there will be people ready to judge you for it, so best to do what works for you.
However, I do think there are an awful lot of misconceptions on this thread.
B said: “I have serious doubts you can be blind with a young kid and a career and no help
i.e. you would have to pretty much give up on your career for 5 or 6 years while the kid is being brought up.” I disagree. Ultimately it’s difficult to maintain a career and have children regardless of whether you are blind or sighted. The blindness is irrelevant here.
I chose to stay home with my child because I could. Had I chosen not to stay home with him and put him into childcare my blindness would not have been an issue – why would it?
Ultimately we can choose to make these things a barrier or not. I never saw my blindness as being a barrier to having children. There were things I did slightly differently i.e. I didn’t use a buggy but carried him in a carrier, by the time he was 4/5 he wouldn’t have dared run off in a supermarket, and before that there are wrist straps/reins that can be worn by children, and are in fact worn by many children, even those of sighted parents, to prevent just such an event..
Children learn colours in preschool settings, and they learn to read and write in school. I’ve spent enough hours in a mainstream school listening to children read to say with some certainty that not being able to see does not impact on one’s child’s ability to learn to read/write/distinguish colours.
Ultimately many of the issues raised here i.e. tht it’s ard to run around after toddlers/that it’s hard to have a career and children are issues that would be encountered by any parent, be they blind r sighted. It’s just that because many of us are blind we don’t see the sighted people having the same issues, but they still do..
I think that choosing not to have children because of genetic disorders that can be passed on is vastly different to not having children because of your own blindness.
I guess I should clarify my statement regarding kids and career.
It is somewhat U.S. specific. You cannot get your child into day care for less than $40 a day, more around $60 if the child is an infant, and you need a real good job and a transportation network to be able to have a career, pick up your child, and take him/her home to care for. Being two blind people having a kid together the need for sighted day care or family member to help with teaching letters and colors becomes greater, though certainly some things can be worked around by buying letters you can feel, learn colors in books or entire books with pictures, but it is a lot of work.
In countries with sponsorred childcare this is much easier, in Iceland for instance, you pay around $200 a month for your first child and about half that for your second child for all-day day care with food.
That makes the situation very different.
sure it's gonna have it's ups and downs Tiff, but why let it be a deterrent? that's your choice, but I don't agree with it.
As far as letters, I'd have even more of a time of it trying to teach my child the Greek alphabet. I've been looking around for ages for those punch-out rubber ones so that I could learn it but haven't been able to find any. I'd also need to find a way to teach him/her the language, though I suppose I'd do that the same way as with English.
Eleni
It's not so much the culture, it's more the fact that in europe there's a lot more kids who go to special schools, it's pretty rare for a blind child to go to a mainstreem one, and there's a lot less support in mainstreem schools for blind children, in fact, people recommend the blind schools over mainstreeming, and it's the opposite in australia. Blind schools are pretty much a thing of the past there.
and further to what someone said, if you had a child, that you knowingly brought into the world with your genetic disorder, could you sit by thinking you were totally blame free while it had to go through operations and painful medical procedures?
could you not feel guilty?
because I couldn't.
but basing your not having children on teaching a child a language which is not your first language and an alphabet of a country that you do not originate from is far more ludicress than not having one on the basis of your blindness.
And what if your child doesn't want to be greek - what if he/she is happy being american, you know, patriotic to the country of his birth?
There are lots of valid reasons why many people don't have children, however I'm going to be blunt here and say that it seems to me that the biggest reason for you not wanting children is because you can't see how you'll be able to fit them into the pre-conceived ideas you have i.e. bringing them up in a certain culture/with certain language/doing certain things. But actually, we all have pre-conceived ideas about how it's going to be, and the reality is that it almost never turns out like that anyway, so imagining how your as yet unplanned baby is going to turn out could only ever lead to disappointment anyway.
you seem to be living vicariously through your unborn children, wanting a childhood for them that you perhaps didn't have yourself? but you just can't plan these things.
At 26 you're still young enough to not want children but that doesn't mean that you won't change your mind.
So your best bet would be to just go with the flow and if you decide you want to have children then go for it. but don't plan out their lives for them because children rarely live up to your expectations, they are individuals in their own right and planning their future lives will only lead to disappointment on your part.
you've got a point there, claire, though I would still teach my child cornish if I had one, but it's slightly different, because I at least have cornish background. However I would be happy with simply teaching them the basics of the language and some of the culture, so at least they were familiar with their ancestry.
People who have children and then try to enforce their beliefs on them get very annoyed, upset or angry when their children decide that their parents beliefs aren't exactly for them.
If you're set on it, then see how blind greek people do it and then incorperate some ideas from them.
To SugarBaby: I am a Greek patriot and would bring up my child as one. Ideally, he/she would also be growing up in Greece... I guess that would mean he/she would learn the alphabet without me. *smile* But even if he/she were brought up here, he/she would be born there. I'd want him/her to be ready to move, either when my husband and I could financially afford it or when he/she was ready... If I had a boy, he would have to go anyway, to serve in the military, and if he tried to get out of it, he'd be out on his own, unless his father wanted to deal with him... But at that age, he'd be an adult anyway. It could very well happen that he/she would be an American patriot, in which case, the joke would really be on me wouldn't it? Talk about a heart break! Yet another reason for not having one.
All that said, that, like blindness, is not the only reason why I've chosen to be child free. In fact, if push came to shove, I'd say that blindness is far more of a serious reason against me having one, because, as you said, he/she would turn out however he/she wants to in the end and I wouldn't be able to control that. Even if, as a teenager, he/she expressed his/her love for America, let's say, and nothing I said could change his/her mind, I'd have no choice but to respect his/her decision. After all, Mom came here as an immigrant and loves this country and I don't. I'm sure she's not thrilled with my ideas but she respects me and lets me have them. So I'd need to do the same if I had a child.
As sad as it is, you're right about childhood. While I had Joanie (Mom's partner) to play with when I was younger, before she had to start really going to work to provide for us, it wasn't the same as having other kids around. Everyone ignored me like I had some kind of disease, and even now, when I hear children running and laughing, it hurts. I'd want my child to play sports, to have lots of friends, to do stupid little childish things that I never did because I had my own issues at the time or because I was limited by my blindness. I'd want him/her to stay out late for a night when older, drive and so on. And while it's always good to have dreams for your child, it's never a good idea to think like that or to try to live through them.
I'm very seriously considering Essure, a safe and affective form of sterrilisation. I'll go into that in another thread, but suffice it to say that if, someday, I truly want children, then I'll adopt. There's nothing in the world like hearing your mama say "out of all the children in the whole wide world, I chose you to be mine." That's what mine told me when I was little and it stayed with me always. True, she didn't exactly go to an adoption agency to look for me, but she didn't have to take her half sister's child and save her from a horrible life. And I couldn't imagine the wonderful feeling that an adoptive parent has inside, knowing that she saved that child.
SwissGriff: that was a very low blow. It's not my fault that I was born here and have no Hellenic blood. I live with that shame every day and that's something I'd never want my child to experience. It might help, therefore, to adopt one with pure Greek blood, so he (I'm pretty sure I'd choose a boy) never ever has to hear "you're not Greek, you're an American", though surely, he'd hear enough of it about me, which is also bad. Then again, I know what I am in my soul and heart and I'm sure it would be the same for my child. As far as beliefs, the only thing that I really hope would stick, if nothing else ever did, would be Hellenic Polytheism. I never grew up with a religion, and while I'd never force it on my child, I would love it if he could share in childhood rituals, learning about The Gods and so on. He might even surpass me in interest and learn the ancient form of Greek when older, so that he could read our sacred texts in their original tongue.
then again, as others have said, your child may not wanna follow in your footsteps...and you'd have to accept that. I don't get why you feel such hatred towards americans; that's a shame.
SugarBaby did bring up a valid point in that we as blind people (myself included), often forget that sighted people go through a lot of the same stuff. I think often magnify our issues because at the time, they are just that, magnified and almost impossible. Two or three more years down the road, I'll wish I had one more snuggle with the newborn I brought home, one more gummy smile to kiss, one more first "mama" things like that... but right now, it's HARD.:)
I don't hate Americans. I wouldn't harm them or anything. But I don't want to be called one either, except legally, of course. I don't like what many of them (mostly nationally not as individuals) do, how they think or how they act, especially towards other countries. True, I don't like what my people do much of the time, but our actions mostly hurt us, not the world. They project an air of superiority, don't respect other nation's differences, don't educated their children about the world in schools many times and try to make others like them, in subtle ways, like through advertising, and in larger ways, by going to other countries and instilling their beliefs on the populations. This truly bothers me. Native Americans are completely out of this, as I respect them highly.
a low blow? I'm sorry if telling the truth equals a low blow these days, but if you read my profile you'll see that I'm full of them.
while I call myself SwissGriff, I admit freely that I'm not swiss, it's just a reflection of my current locational position and the fact that I'm moving here to be with my partner.
While I hope to become a Swiss citizen one day, I know in my heart that as much as I learn the language, involve myself in the culture, admire the politics, I will never truely be a Swiss. I'll be an australian immigrant with Swiss Citizenship. and if some day you manage to get to Greece, that's what you'll be too. you'll never really be a greek.
as for what this has to do with your child if you had one, well, why should it want to serve in a military that it doesn't truely belong to? if it grew up in america, then why shouldn't it grow up to love its country. I don't agree with patriotism in itself, but I do think one should be realistic about what one is capable of and ones surroundings.
It'd be like me having a child in Switzerland, but refusing to teach it anything but English and totally denying it the culture it's going to grow up with.
I have no problems with the truth or in admitting that I wasn't born in Greece. Wondering about my interest in the culture, language etc. when I don't have the blood is justified. I was just caught up in the moment and it made me a bit more passionate than was necessary... just thinking of what I've heard over the years and how some people view me... That said, being a Greek (or any other nationality for that matter) isn't only about blood, though it certainly helps to have some. It's about how you feel inside. I think that if someone is willing to lay down his/her life for a country and truly feels that he/she belongs nowhere else, then he/she should be considered of that country. If we were to get technical, many Greeks aren't even Greek by that definition and most aren't completely by blood, since you can't trace their lineage to ancient times. Even if you could, there's always some foreign blood somewhere along the line and some have alot more than others. Yet they all consider themselves Greek. And if it really is a matter of heritage, then how far back must the blood run. Can the child of an immigrant, grandchild, great grand child be considered a native? If it's a matter of birth, then what happens if a person of Hellenic descent is born in America and wants to immigrate, having nothing in common with the people here? What is he/she?
I see where you're coming from as far as the military, but I would insure that both the blood and the citizenship would be there, and it would be very important to me that he didn't shirk his responsibility. Plus, it's the law, unless he renounced Hellenic citizenship, a sure way to destroy me. I don't like the idea of taking a baby out of Hellas to bring him up here, but if I did, I wouldn't want him to forget on which soil he was born, either in the sacred sense or in the secular. But more than that, it would be a way for me to serve my country in a way that I couldn't on my own. Perhaps, if I could find a position that I could actually take, once I gained citizenship, (maybe working in an office for the military or something), I wouldn't be so serious about my child's needing to join.
Wow, That last post basicly jumped out at me saying "If I had a child, I would use them for my gain"
And this is one of the reasons why I don't want one. It wouldn't be fair to the child to do that and I'm fully aware of this. Now would this be guaranteed to happen? Probably not. But I think that if I were to have a child, I'd need to be way more balanced on my approach and on my reasoning.
well if you're the sort of parent who's going to try and force all that on your kid, I'm pretty happy that you've decided not to have one to be honest.
It's never about what you want your child to do, it's what your child wants to do.
and military service is something you should never pressure a child to do anyway. it should be totally and utterly their choice.
that's one thing I dislike about switzerland, though at least it gives people the choice to do civil service for a week of every year till 50 years of age instead of 2 years military service.
I echo the last post completely. what a shame, Tiffinitsa, that you're more concerned with what you'd want for your child, than what he/she would want for themselves. I, too, breathed a sigh of relief upon reading you probably won't ever have one. that's certainly a great choice considering how you'd want him/her to be brought up, and most likely wouldn't support their individuality if it differed from yours. I hope you stick to said decision.
Oh for God's sake, leave her alone! She's not willing or ready to have a child; and in her opinion, she'll never be willing or ready. Respect her decision and move on with your life.
I don't think I could be a single mother, not because I wouldn't want to, but because even the most responsible of people need help sometimes. Having said that, with some support, I'd love to be a mother some day. This has nothing to do with the fact that I'm totally blind, and it really gets on my nerves when I hear about a parent who has been questioned simply because of his or her blindness.
If I had a child with support, and ended up becoming single later on, I would make it work somehow for the child's sake, and this is why I want to wait quite awhile. Having kids is certainly not something you want to jump into, especially if you're the type of person who likes to have responsibility only for yourself.
Tiff, Ocean Dream, I thoroughly respect your decisions to either delay or abstain from parenthood. I've known some young adults who were acting like adults & ready for the committments of marriage & parenthood, but entirely too many others who were financially unstable or didn't realize the 24/7 lifelong committment of parenting a child, and became resentful. Unfortunately in the medical field much paperwork involving 20-something mothers involves single women unprepared & with inadequate medical insurance. Much as I've heard women being pressured to "not wait until it's too late", I think perhaps it's better because at least when the woman knows she's ready she has more of an idea of what she's getting into & has gotten herself the level of education & financial stability she wants & won't resent the child because she couldn't complete her degree or whatever she had to sacrifice. Someone who has opted out altogether most likely has given the matter a great deal of thought, isn't becoming a mom because she feels she doesn't have any other choice or thinks it's whats expected of her...I've seen everything from women restarting their lives as divorced moms with educational assistance to being killed by abusive husbands they married perhaps feeling they had no other choice as long term girlfriends, and it's better to think it out than rush in...enough from me.
The seemingly constant breakthrough bleeding, mood swings and having to worry if certain herbs will interact with my birth control is really taking a toll on me. If I really want a child that badly, I'll adopt. I'm going for a hormonal imbalance test, then will switch pills one more time, and if that doesn't work, I'm heading for Essure.
http://www.essure.com
If I want a child that badly, I can always adopt. There's nothing wrong with that, and if I feel that strongly, then I'll be willing to make the sacrifices and also to deal with the question of me being a blind parent, which I'm sure the agency will ask. But for now, I've got enough on my plate trying to find myself.
Thank you Brandi, for your comment in post 35. Eleni, sounds like this Essure might be the right way to go for you. I don't regret my tubal ligation, but each woman has to do what is right for her. Like you, I feel very strongly that if, in the unlikely event that I change my mind and decide I want kids, I will adopt, too.
I'm looking forward to getting my sanity back. lol And it really sounds like a safe, painless procedure with no side affects.
i am childless at the moment, and have made a concious choice to remain so.
I don't necessarily want to abstain from motherhood. I just want to delay it until I feel confident that I'm ready. If that confidence never comes, I'll remain child free, simple as that. If I do choose not to have kids, I'd be doing it because it would be in the best interest of the potential child, and not because I'm blind.
I was married and having two kids.
If someone's pointing out their blindness for not having a kid means I can surely say that they are just seeking for a reason to not to have a kid. As per my personal opinion, life without kids is similar to a tree without fruits.
having kids and it's pleasure is cannot explained or I dono how to explain that feeling ...
The way they talk, the way they learn to walk, how they grow up gradually. all these will give us an heavenly experience.
If a person is avoiding kids due to his or her porverty, genetic diseases, or for a suitable reason, that can be accepted. but, I won't accept blindness is the only reason not for having kids. I'm sure that'd be a tough task but we can achieve. I took care of my both kids most the part. and I'm a totally blind other than some light perception.
We must have some commitments, ambitions, if not, what for we all are living?
This is what I feel in this subject.
Raaj
Several people here have already pointed out why blindness can be a factor in having children. Also, there are many trees without fruits and they grow and are strong and healthy. It's all in what a person wants out of life and what a person is able to give and wants to give of him/herself. I have never stated that blindness is the one and only reason why I've chosen not to have children. In fact, I mentioned many, and finances was one of them, not being with a partner who wants children was yet another. Just because someone chooses not to have children, that doesn't mean that he/she is unambitious or has no committments.
Not necessarily. it depends what you have planned for your life. Kids might not be in your best interest if you're life's ambition is to travel the world, for example. It really depends on your reasons.
still, blindness shouldn't be a reason not to have children.
Apparently, you haven't read the posts here from actual blind parents, or if you did, you fail to recognise their significance. If someone truly feels that they are unprepared or unable to care for a child due to a disability and chooses not to have one, what's wrong with that? Is it not better than simply having the child just to have one or just to prove a point and then having to deal with all the consequences and difficulties?
I'm not gonna argue; that's simply my opinion.
I think that every blind person should be able to have children if he/she wants. If you don't want to, that's up to you, but I definitely think we all have the potential to be capable, given the right skills. Some people are better suited to work under pressure than others. Personally, I work better under pressure, as I have a hard time staying focused when I'm not. that goes for any type of work. However, I don't think blindness adds any added pressure. Yes, some things have to be done differently, but this doesn't mean they can't be done.